Getting toddlers to behave the way you want is a battle. But with a LOT of determination, consistency and following through, you can shape your toddler to be able to face every situation without melting down.
In this article I will go through several common Toddler battles and suggested responses for how to get the behaviour you want.
Food related conundrums
Scenario: Toddler is not eating his food.
This could be for multiple reasons! It could still be too warm, or it could be food he doesn’t like or the texture is strange.
Believe me, I have dealt with, and am still dealing with, a fussy eater.
I think that the worst thing you can do is capitulate and not let him eat it. To get the behaviour you want, you need to be more stubborn than they are! (I read this advice in this article, and it’s gold).
As soon as you give way, then the little guy will do it all the time, and you’ll never get him to eat what the family is eating.
Here is what we do to get our toddler eating what is on his plate (Vegetables, lentils, beans and more):
- Make sure he is hungry. Try to leave a gap of at least 2 hours between his last snack and dinner. This is so you know he can actually eat the food you put before him at dinner
- Make sure the food is in the right bite sizes. It shouldn’t be too daunting to eat.
- Make sure it is yummy! Who wants to eat boiled veges? Melt cheese or butter over it, at least! (Here’s a website with loads of ideas)
- Now for the battle: if he refuses to eat it, simply say to him: “You must be tired, so maybe you should go straight to bed after dinner, with no play time”. Or, “you must be not super hungry. Perhaps we shouldn’t give you any dessert after dinner”.
The straight-to-bed, or no-dessert thing usually works. Granted, this is a constant dialogue and we have to say it about 50 times during the meal.
But he finishes the meal!
Make sure you follow through with the consequence, be it straight to bed or no dessert. They need to know that you mean what you say in order to do as you say.
By the way, these above options – no dessert or straight to bed, make sense for a situation where a toddler is not eating. Confiscating toys or sending him to his room is not a consequence that can be directly related to the non-eating, so it is not going to be an effective incentive for your toddler.
Scenario: Toddler is not eating his food quickly enough.
This is most definitely because he is not enjoying the food or the food is not as easy to eat.
Either or, Little Mr needs to eat his dinner in a timely manner. It is not polite to take hour(s) to eat a small meal.
First, make sure the food is actually easy for him to eat – cut up into bite sized pieces, and that he has the right utensil.
Then, set a timer. Tell him that if he has not completed his meal before the timer ends, then he has to go to bed without any play time or there will be no dessert.
These consequences make sense, because it is like saying he is too tired or too full to eat the food within the allotted time.
Scenario: Toddler drops his food on the floor (on purpose).
This is disrespectful behaviour. First, against the person who took the time to cook the meal, and second, against the house.
Say: “this house is not a rubbish bin! You need to pick the food off the floor”.
The consequence of picking the food up makes sense because they made the mess, and they need to know how much work it takes to clean it up.
I would definitely make them eat it, otherwise they will learn they can just throw food on the floor to avoid eating it!
Note: Toddler must be old enough to pick the food up himself. 2 years old should be sufficient.
Play related conundrums
Scenario: Toddler is getting too many toys out, and he is not actually playing with them.
This is something you can actually curb- you do not have to put up with a constant mess!
I get so stressed out when I see the floor covered with toys and Mr 3yo is only playing with 10% of them.
I say a couple of things:
- “If you’ve finished playing with that toy, you can pack it away”. Little Mr gets so absorbed in putting them away that he actually starts playing with it again. If he doesn’t want to put that particular toy away, then request another to be packed up. Eventually Little Mr will decide which one he wants to play with the most, and put the rest away.
- “Before you get this toy out, you need to pack this one away”. This is the same principle, I guess, but again, Mr 3yo has to decide if he is actually finished with the current toy that he can be bothered with the effort to put it away.
- When you achieve this; then you have a system that I call “Toy Rationing”.
Benefits of Toy Rationing
This little system is so beneficial, beyond keeping the house less messy. It teaches him to actually engage with his toys. He learns to focus, and encourages an attention span that is longer than 2 minutes.
Rationing his toys gives you bargaining power.
It teaches the Little Guy to be responsible for his toys and to maintain a standard of cleanliness.
Packing away is actually quite fun for little kids, so it kills a bit of time, gives them an activity to do (which is more constructive than simply playing). It gives him a chance to be useful!
Side note: here’s an article of other things toddlers can do which are useful but that they actually enjoy!
I remember my mother saying that she noticed that kids lose interest in play when the area is messy, so making sure they pack their toys away when they’ve finished actually keeps them engaged in play.
Scenario: Toddler is being too rough with toys
This is again showing disrespect and ungratefulness for something that is actually a privilege. Disrespect, if left unchecked, can be easily transferred to other areas.
What we have which has come in handy for this very purpose (among other things) is a large, vintage chest with a heavy lid that only grown-ups can physically open.
This, my friends, is the toy chest.
So, if the Little Guy is being rough with the toys, throwing them about or being unkind with them, then we say: “If you aren’t going to play properly or kindly with your toys, then you cannot play with them at all until (such a time you decide is appropriate)”.
Generally, this threat is enough to get them to treat their toys with a bit more respect and gratefulness.
They are VERY lucky to have wonderful toys, and we cannot have them taking that for granted!
Sibling related conundrums
Scenario: Toddler takes a toy off sibling
A general rule in our house is that if someone is playing with a toy, then it is off limits until they have discarded it. No grabbing something that is already in possession.
If they do, then we say, “Give it back. You can have it when so-and-so has finished playing with it”.
In this situation, we feel it is really important for the toddler to be the author of giving it back. I will not intervene and swipe the toy back, because otherwise the Little Guy won’t get a chance to practice what it means to return something he has taken “unlawfully”.
If he does not do this straight away, then we say to him “well, then you need to give Sydney (favourite toy) to little brother in exchange”.
This ALWAYS works as Mr 3yo does not like not having Sydney!
This method works when toys are being harboured, too. It’s great at encouraging them to share.
Scenario: Toddler is being too rough with sibling
If Mr 3yo is being rough and ready with his baby brother, there is no tolerance.
This is the one we save the worst punishment for. When this happens, Mr 3yo goes straight to his room. Sometimes we even have to close the door (which he hates) for about a minute.
This is so he understands the gravity of the roughness. Once he has calmed down (normally he cries and cries and cries), we go in and talk to him.
We ask him if he understands why we sent him to his room, and make sure we explain clearly if he doesn’t.
Then, we make him apologise and kiss his brother.
Now, we have to do this multiple times a week, but consistency is key, hey? As long as we stick to it, the message will stick.
I hope this list of suggestions was helpful for you!
Please share below in the comments if you have anything you would add to this list of possible consequences to common toddler conundrums.
